A Faith that Fits
What do you do when the faith you had becomes a faith that no longer fits?
It is never easy to walk away from a belief system, tradition, or community that — despite all of its faults — has held you for a significant period of time. You may feel shame, guilt, or fear for even naming your need to let go of the structures that held you.
But what if instead of being held, you were being squeezed, choked, or trapped?
Many friends and colleagues in ministry have left vocational ministry and are now working outside of the church. The call to be clergy became too difficult of a burden to bear. Being responsible for the spiritual compass amidst political division, the COVID-19 pandemic, societal discrimination against the queer community and people of color, a climate of toxic church leadership, and so many other factors is exhausting.
There were already unhealthy patterns and structures in place for faith leaders before the past few years — pressure to overwork, to prioritize the congregation over your family, to sate people’s appetites for what they want in worship, etc. I believe that recent events only accelerated the decay of an already rotting system. Speaking as a minister, a husband of a minister, a friend to many ministers, a student of minsters… okay you get it, I know a lot of ministers… pastors can often feel unsupported by their congregation or their denominational body, isolated in their community or town, and idealized to be morally perfect and pious.
The call to be clergy in current church culture has become an impossible standard for many. And so they leave. They leave their career, they leave their community, they may even leave their belief system. This comes at no small cost to the minister; often the decision to leave is just as stressful, if not more, than the role itself. But for many, there is no choice. They have to get out because their faith, their calling, doesn’t fit anymore.
Burnout and religious harm is not only reserved for clergy. Laypeople are often the recipient of harmful preaching and teaching, spiritually abusive theology and practices, and in horrific instances are victims of physical and sexual abuse from faith leaders. Because of the harm by institutional religion, and its out-of-touch practices, more and more people are leaving traditional forms of faith. Within Christianity, the percentage of Christians in the United States is consistently decreasing with each generation as the affiliation of “none” (no religious affiliation) continues to rise. You can learn more about the Pew Research Center’s study on the U.S. Religious Landscape for the future of religion in America by reading this report.
In some religious settings women cannot speak or hold positions of leadership. Church and religious communities continue to be our country’s most segregated spaces in regards to race. Queer and trans people are often targeted by faith-based groups both in churches and in government. The conflation of religious righteousness within our American culture has become dangerously intertwined, and I fear inseparable. The Church — and her people — are experiencing a crisis of the heart.
For you who are burned out, burdened, or bruised by a religious system or community of faith, know you are not alone and you are not “wrong” or “bad” for taking a brave step into a new wilderness clutching whatever hope you can muster that there will be something — anything — on the other side.
When you are ready, and you pry yourself out from the firm grasps of the faith you knew, you may feel air finally rushing into your lungs. And in leaving behind the things that were holding you too tightly, you may find a freedom you’ve never known and a God who yearns for liberation and wholeness.
A freedom to not know, a freedom to guess, a freedom to explore, and try, and make mistakes. A freedom to be all that you are, for all that you are not, and for all that you will become. In this wild, open space that your soul calls home, may all of your muscles and bones that have been cramped for too long, find rest in the Spirit who stretches with you.
It is okay to leave the faith that no longer fits. You are growing. May you find even more God in the expanse.
It is okay to find a new faith that fits better. You are growing. May you feel the loving embrace of God who holds you there, too.
It is okay to reside in a third place, a shelter of unknowing. You don’t have to have all the answers. In fact, you likely never will.
Lean into the mystery, dear traveler, it’s where the Divine likes to hang out.
If you are experiencing stress and uncertainty surrounding your faith and spirituality, you may find spiritual direction a healing practice. In spiritual direction there is no right answer, only a safe space where you can ask the questions of your soul. To learn more about spiritual direction, click here. If you would like to schedule a session, you can do so here. You are not alone.
